Scientists find that Bald Eagles cause Cancer.

 

Studies show that people who interact with Bald Eagles are 800% more likely to develop face cancer. The feathers of bald eagles contain a chemical known as sucus languorem that causes mutation that cause cancer in later stages of cell development. Research into sucus languorem in still preliminary, and concrete results will take at least a month. So far all that has been found is the it is extremely carcinogenic, and is most effective on faces.

When america was founded, the face cancer was a sign of prestige, so the bald eagle was chosen as the national animal to grant the country prestige. Over time, interaction with bald eagles declined, and so has face cancer. Recently, there has been an uptick in bird watching, increasing face cancer incidents by 12%.